India

Two poems of abandonment.

India 

You lay printed in my one hand, 
my other hand arrived in India
 curled like a wilted leaf.

A small world for me to worship there
between the press of nausea,
heat, and the rubbishing of love.

She was there already,
I almost forget 

 - a last raindrop from the monsoon.
You triggered an umbrella
afraid to get wet. 

Bladed palms breathed daggers 
when you whispered of abortion,
the shrapnel noise of black crows 
 - sweeter.

My belly became an ark.

The elephant goddess bellowed,
her tree of wishes shook, 

glorious.

A rope dancer 
brought me the stars. 
His twisting fibres an umbilicus
silks of magenta, moss, saffron
indigo,
a wrap for the cosmic child 
that rope danced 
from my placenta tree.

(first published in Tower Poetry)

(a photo of an elephant I took in India in 2007)

Your leaving 

Tasted of iron,
tore me like lightning,
bit into me with sabres.

I wore the devouring
 on my forearms,
punctures deep as lakes.

You, the monster 
beneath the surface,
I am not your mother!
I can tell you that now.

Your mother, played harp
plucked you out of herself, into London
to the sound of Bow bells.

Her dead song did not make me.

No matter the eggs you gave me
that had rested in her pockets
emanating their dark energies.

The call to prayer was like birdsong
do you remember? 
	-	you kissed the inside of my wrist.

became a sleek pin buried there.

You showed me the peg of a moon
 in a boat on the shallow sea,
had me smell oleander,
 wear flowers behind my ear.

I prayed then, to the moon
to the myriad Gods and Goddesses
to the fathers of all beloved children.

Handing out biros to poor kids,
surf toiling in the incredible heat,
you duped us all 
that you were a provider.

Only there, where the sand duned and drifted
did you dare pretend that the spit and suck
of my heart mattered.

(4 or 5 weeks pregnant at a spice market in India in 2007 after visiting a temple with a female Ganesh statue and a shrine for parents trying for children, trying not to be sick!)

These poems were written several years ago about my experience of becoming pregnant and my partner leaving me the moment I told him. We had been together for 3 years and I thought then he was the love of my life. He often talking about wanting a big family and I knew I wanted kids so we weren't very careful I was in my late 20's when we met. 

I discovered I was pregnant 3 weeks before I was due to fly to India for a backpacking holiday I told my partner and he disappeared, literally, I couldn't get hold of him anywhere. I didn't even know if he was going to turn up at the airport for our trip. I swiftly changed plans from back packing to 4 star hotel instead - thank goodness because it wasn't easy. Morning sickness hit me all day long, the boiling heat and the smells of spices and cooking was almost more than I could bear. I was an awful tourist that wanted nothing more than cheese on toast and the swimming pool. I went to the beach to practice Yoga everyday to try to keep myself sane. It was on this holiday my partner told me he was going leave the moment we returned to England.  Every day was an agony of sickness and grief. My poor developing daughter infused thousands and thousands of tears through her umbilicus. 

I have still not heard from him or had any child support and my gorgeous girl is at 17 a young woman now. She is a talented musician (singer and pianist) and writer, a renaissance woman just like her mum!  You can read her work on Substack here 


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